we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
