my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
