she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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