Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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