he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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