it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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