he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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