I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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