I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
