The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
