I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
