My cat gives me a boner
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
