I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
