I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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