i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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