i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
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