Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
