I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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