Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
