i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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