you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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