I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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