So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
