When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
