Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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