Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
