i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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