Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
