The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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