I can text with my tongue
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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