Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
