Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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