Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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