i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
