Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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