Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
