You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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