i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
