If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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