She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
