Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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