I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
