It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
