I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
