On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
