I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
