U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
