just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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