it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
