On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
