All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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