You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
