it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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