Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
